Friday, April 20, 2012

Our One-Week Anniversary

Dear John,

It's been a week now that you've been gone and I'm trying to get used to this new world I've found myself in. I've learned that I have to balance rest with being busy; just where the balance point is seems to change every day. 

Today was a busy day, mostly with legal stuff. The bank got a copy of our mortgage faxed from LaGrange, and I found that we do have right of survivorship. So the house will come straight to me - no probate, no creditors. I've decided to let our attorney handle probate. I know we said we'd never do that, and that we did it ourselves when my parents died, and did it in South Carolina. But the emotional landscape is very different this time and things are a bit more complicated with the medical bills, so it will be well worth it. I hope you don't mind too much.

In between the legal errands I actually did something for myself today. I thought about 12:30 coming and wondered where I wanted to be at our first-week anniversary. So I went to a knit shop. Obvious, isn't it, that I'd go for the comfort of beautiful yarn and friendly people? It helped, and I think I made a new friend. So I've passed the one-week milestone, the first of many.

I only cried a little today. I've realized that all your past medical emergencies were really rehearsals for me. I knew that they had made me plan for this. But they've also been short episodes of grief that helped get me ready for the long one. So this landscape is a bit familiar to me. The four months you were in the hospital is helping now, too. In that time I've learned Microsoft Money and gotten a handle on the finances. And I've gotten a little bit accustomed to being here alone, to you not coming home at night, not eating breakfast with you in the morning, going to church and the grocery store without you. It's cushioned me a bit from the shock of losing you. I know those months were so hard on you, and they were hard on me, too. But now I realize they've made things a little bit easier.

I've survived one week. I suppose that's an accomplishment.

I love you, adore you, and worship the ground you walk on.

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