Saturday, April 28, 2012

I Was So Happy With You

Dear John,

A slow, sleepy, rainy Saturday - did some housework, did laundry, vegged in front of the TV. I saw a very good documentary on Billy the Kid and a show about a transsexual-white-supremacist-militia-bank-robber that made Billy the Kid look downright wholesome. And I saw a commercial that talked about how terrible it was that the life insurance most people get at work is only for around $200,000. Yours turns out to be $ 15,000 - with your health history, I'll be grateful to get that much! We're so far off the societal radars, aren't we?

Today I was thinking about the things I'll never say again, without you.Things like - I'm so glad I married a man who likes sports - I love, you, adore you, and worship the ground you walk on - I married the world's only perfect man. But I was especially remembering all the times I looked at you sitting on the other end of the couch, and told you that I was so happy with you. I'm so thankful that I always said it out loud! And I really was, you know - always. I'm thankful that I never was able to take you for granted. I always knew how happy I was with you - knew it so well because I was afraid it wouldn't last for very long. It was longer than anybody expected, but of course not nearly long enough. Now I'll never say that again. But you knew it, and I'm so glad for that. It was the world's worst-kept secret; everybody knew it, even the few people that couldn't understand it!

(I'm nowhere near ready to think about the things I'll never hear you say again. I'll get there someday, but not now.)

I can still say it to you here, and hope you can hear it, and know that you know it already - I was so happy with you. And I know that all of my life will be happier because of you, even though you're not here with me anymore. I knew from the first, before you realized that we weren't just friends, that I'd rather have a week with you than 100 years with anybody else. I made my choice with my eyes wide open, and would do it all over again gladly. 

Thank you for making me so happy,
Joan.



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