Monday, April 23, 2012

More Novocaine, Please

Dear John,

I saw our optometrist today; I'll get glasses tomorrow, and will get bifocal contacts like my last pair. So I'll be able to see everything everywhere again. They'll be soft lenses - that will be new for me. And it will all get done this month before the insurance goes away. He'd heard about you, and was very nice to me. He's such a good part of our infrastructure; I'm glad he came here.

I went back to work today - my brain is still Swiss cheese (soft, with lots of holes in it). It's a good thing I have such an understanding boss. I was surprised that being at work didn't make me feel better. I've figured out that it wasn't just a bad day yesterday - it's that the numbness is wearing off. It's most unpleasant, but normal and unavoidable. I've been weepy all day. I've always tried so hard to not inflict my uncomfortable emotions on innocent bystanders, but it's never been this hard before. I'm glad I have so much to do - otherwise I'd just curl up in a fetal position and wait for the Lord to return. But necessity and Jethro won't let me, so don't worry. 

I'm going to bed early tonight, since Jen and I have to leave at 4:15 in the morning so I can get her to the South Bend airport. I have lot of errands to run tomorrow, some in South Bend. I think I'll be starting with the 24-hour places! And I have the appointment with our attorney tomorrow afternoon. I have everything together that I can think of, and a list of questions. I'll feel better with all of this in experienced hands. Especially when my brain is Swiss cheese. 

All day I've been remembering the way you always looked at me, and realizing I'll never see that look again. Theoretically, I suppose I can survive that. Right now I can't imagine how. That look made me happier than anything in the world ever has. Your face was so expressive - in that look was all that you were and all that you felt about me. You never had to tell me you loved me - not that I minded! - but it was all in that look. Thank you for loving me as much as I love you.

Going to cry myself to sleep, loving you.

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