Sunday, May 13, 2012

One Month Anniversary

Dear John,

Well, it's been one month today. I have no sense of time - I can't how much time it feels like. Wherever it is that I am now, time isn't measurable. It feels like I'm stuck in a place without time, just waiting to get out of here. Somehow the days come and go without any time having passed. Maybe it's because I still can't look at the future. Maybe I just have nothing to look forward to. I don't understand it; I just feel like I'm in a sort of eternal present with no future ahead of me. 

Progress is measurable, though, and I'm almost done with the legal/financial stuff. I filled out the paperwork today to enroll in COBRA. After Tuesday all I think I'll have left is the medical bills that are being appealed and Anthem's problem with your date of death. Medical bills can drag on forever - I remember that it took a year to get everything settled after I was in Memorial with sepsis. Insurance can be a place of neither time nor progress!

This is also another first - my first Mother's Day without you. Jethro didn't have a card for me; last year he sent you out to get one. But he slept a good part of the evening in my lap and that was plenty of loving from him. I'll never get another "from husband" Mother's Day card. Jen called me and I called your mother, and it was good.

It was a quiet day. I stayed home - woke up with an awful sinus headache. Cloo was running a Mother's Day Burn Notice Marathon. It was much-needed, considering what the other channels were doing for the day. So I crashed, watched TV, and alternated between knitting and petting the dog. 

I'm off to bed early tonight. I'll need to get up early in the morning. Before I go to work I need to make the lap downtown and make a couple of phone calls. If it get off work early enough, I'll come by to see you tomorrow. 

Loving you, missing you,
Joan.

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