Thursday, May 10, 2012

Relative Happiness

Dear John,

Good day, bad night. I've been finding ways to put off going to bed, just like a kid. It's another one of those night that I don't want to go to bed without you. 

Tonight I discovered a thought pattern that's going on in my head. Whenever I enjoy something or think something is good - pretty day, good food, enjoying something on TV - my mind immediately says that it would be so much better if I was enjoying it with you. I wondered how long I would do that, and realized I may never stop. I can't imagine anything in my life, ever, no matter how long I live, that wouldn't be better with you here. 

I don't know if I ever told you: on the way out of Dr. Ansari's office after that first visit, it came into my mind that I would never have another happy moment. That wasn't quite right - as a species, we're more resilient that that - but it was true that I'd never have a moment that was as happy as it could be if you were here. 

This was all just a bit depressing to realize tonight. So I'm still up after 11:30, making excuses to not go to bed. But Jethro is getting sleepy and insistent, and I do have to go to work in the morning. You know that I wouldn't be so sad now if I hadn't been so happy with you. But that's what happens when you marry the world's only perfect man, isn't it?

Poor Jethro's having a hard night, too. I got out a pair of your pajamas to wear when I came home from work. He got so excited, then was sad and disappointed when I put them on. I think for a moment there he thought maybe you were coming back after all. 

Please pray for both of us tonight - we love you so.
Joan.

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