Saturday, May 26, 2012

Time is a Ball Bearing

Dear John,

This evening I was coming down CR 40 behind an Amish wagon and 2 Belgians hauling hay, listening to Muddy Waters sing The Same Thing, and it struck me that there was something ludicrous about it. Blues and the LaGrange County landscape at the same time - raw and visceral, next to tidy and polite. Two sides of me existing in tension with each other. The contrast has struck me before, but I love both so the world will just have to deal with it. 

I was talking to you on Mother's Day about having no sense of the passage of time. That's still the case, and I talked to Father about it tonight at confession. I'm joined to you - knew that. You're outside of time now, time being a created thing and all - knew that. So maybe what I'm experiencing is the result of being here, in time, and being joined to you, outside of time. It feels like time is a thing sort of like a ball bearing, rolling underneath me but not affecting me at all. I'm just here in space, with time moving underneath me but not really touching me. 

That sounds a bit insane, but I hope I'm making some sense to you. You know how visual my mind is - I always see concepts in my head as some sort of picture. And right now I'm sitting, unmoved and undisturbed, on top of this rolling thing called time which has no relevance to me at all. 

It probably is insane - I've been called worse. As Father said, I'm missing a part of myself. Being disoriented is okay. If you figure out what's wrong with me, let me know!

I love you so much! The depressed dog sends his love, too. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you,
Joan.

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