Sunday, May 27, 2012

You Matter

Dear John,

I had a good Sunday morning. I think I forgot to tell you - Brian is in Europe for a few weeks on a Lily Grant trip, so I have the music again for a while. It's good for me right now, to do something so familiar and to have to discipline my schedule. And as I told Brian, he covered for me so many times that I'm glad to do this for him. So Adrian and I did Great Vespers last night and I led the choir this morning. Since the Liturgy hasn't changed much since the first century, we did just fine. Everybody was very nice to me. 

Peter was in town and Luke is back for the summer - both of them were telling me how much they love and miss you. You mean a lot more than you realized to more people than you ever guessed. I tried to tell you that, you know, but you had such a hard time imagining that you could ever matter to anybody. At least after about twenty years of marriage you finally realized how much you matter to me. You always said you didn't understand why, but understanding isn't necessary. You probably do understand it now. Took you long enough!

It struck me during Father's homily today that there are two ways of looking at my new reality. One is that part of me is missing, which is certainly true. But the other side of that coin is that part of me is in the presence of God. Looking at it that way, it's no wonder my sense of time is all messed up. And let's not forget that I had a brain injury a year ago - clearly, nothing can ever be expected of me again.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. I'm not interested in getting out and doing anything without you, so I think I'll work on the basement. I miss going places with you, playing and exploring. I'll miss you tomorrow - my first holiday without you. Or separated from you. Or whatever it is that I am right now. 

One thing I do know - that I love you right now and always have, since I first met you. So much.
Joan.

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