Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Post-menopausal PMS

Dear John,

Today was guilt day. I stayed home and rested - slept about half the day. My eyes burned and ran much more today, but were a little bit less red. So as usual I feel terrible about not being productive. It was always hard for me to go down while you were working, but you and I took turns at that which made it a bit easier. I feel so bad about going down while Jen is working so hard every day. Your sister pointed out that I am 22 years older than she is. But I still feel guilty. I can be as illogical as anybody when I put my mind to it, can't I? And I suppose it is illogical to expect yourself to be logical all the time.

I do believe I'm premenstrual. How do I manage that at my stage of life, you ask? I suppose that insecurities and the tendency to self-loathing can trump hormones. Or the lack of hormones. I just know that I'm feeling sensitive and unloved and generally worthless - you know, PMS.

Life is harder without your unconditional love bracing me. There's nothing to fall back on. And I miss the little things. It amazes me how much I miss just having somebody to ask how my day was. Thank you for always doing that, and caring about the answer! My days weren't always interesting to hear about, but it was really me you were interested in, so you cared about the little things that made up my days.

I really don't want PMS to turn into a pity party, so I'd better stop. Know that I love you more than life, and I miss all the little things that made you, you. And I can't wait to see you again.

All my love,
Joan. 

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