Friday, July 27, 2012

Danger: Unforseen Meltdown

Dear John,

I had an unscheduled meltdown tonight. I even surprised myself this time - something you know I do only on rare occasions.

Tonight Elyssa and I watched Wall-E together - she wanted to see it with Grandma. It was good, and we enjoyed the time together. But there was a tiny bit near the end that kicked me in the gut. Walle (the boy robot) was injured, and for a while he didn't recognize or react to Eva (the girl robot).

It hit me so hard because that was my greatest fear in all of your medical adventures. I've told you how, before your brain surgery, I was so afraid you wouldn't be the same person afterward. (When I was allowed to see you the next morning and you were sitting there, without glasses, watching Sports Center with the television 6 inches from your nose, I knew you were just fine.) I never told you how afraid I was during those last three months, especially after you were trached and couldn't talk.

It never happened, and I'm so thankful. After the movie tonight I was telling Jen how hard that part was to watch, and she said, "Well, that certainly never happened!" It was good to hear that from an observer. You were always yourself, right up to the end. Even when you couldn't write notes to me anymore, your face was so expressive that I didn't really need them.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you this - I suppose it's just that I've always told you about my  fears and feelings, and you've always made me feel better. So now I need to feel better, please! I'll go to bed soon, and pretend you're there with me. I only wish I could be there with you.

All my love,

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