A Hurting Day

Dear John,

Our headstone isn't turned around yet . When I went to visit you after church today I sat over where I'll be like I always do, and was looking at the bare back of the headstone - very unfriendly-looking. The granite is beautiful, though. I do love the fact that it's made of gray granite quarried where I used to live. That helps somehow, brings my life full circle.

And I've needed all the help I can get today. I woke up hurting like I did the first morning I woke up without you, and it got worse as the day went on. One thing that drives the pain is the knowledge that the pain will never go away. It's hard living like this, with this empty expanse of meaningless wrenching future ahead of me. It feels like the purpose of my life is to get ready to die as soon as possible.

I'm not depressed - there's too much pain for that. And I'll feel better in a day or so. I just miss you so much, love you so much, and all I want is to have you back. Since you can't come here, I want to go where you are. I'm just biding time until then. Nothing here matters except leaving here.

Well, that's enough whining for one night. Sorry - I know you want me to be honest about how I feel, but I really don't want to whine. I need to get my head out of earthly life and on eternity. That's what always pulls me out of this. Sorry I keep losing my focus.

In case I haven't told you in the last ten minutes, I love you, adore you, and worship the ground you walk on.

Joan.