Tuesday, July 3, 2012

We Fought a Good Fight

Dear John,

You finally showed up in my dreams, but you need to re-think the content. In most of them you're still in the hospital and I'm fighting to get doctors to treat you and not just let you go. In the other ones the setting is different, but the theme of fighting for you is the same. It's tiring. Can we please do something different tonight?

But that leads me to something I've been wanting to say - how grateful I am to have no regrets and no need to second-guess anything. I insisted on treating you when others wanted to stop because that's what you wanted, and also because I knew you - knew what a fighter you are - and thought you had a good chance of making it. And you would have, too, if you hadn't gotten MRSA in your lungs. But because you made the decisions yourself and wanted to keep going (and because I'm not afraid to tell doctors what to do) you saved me from regrets. I've been afraid of a lot of things in my life, but never anything as much as regrets. With all the things and emotions I'm dealing with now, I am so thankful to not have to deal with that one. I know that everything was done that could be, and that we both fought as hard as we could. I know that it was what you wanted. And up to the end it was what the Liturgy prays for: "A Christian ending to our lives, painless, blameless, peaceful, and a good defense before the fearful judgment seat of Christ."

I also don't have any regrets about our life together. We always lived as if the time was short, so there were no issues unresolved, no words unsaid, no apologies not given. No regrets.

So I thank you for that. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now. Come into my dreams again, and let's do something happy tonight!

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