Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Crying Myself Awake

Dear John,

Thanks for showing up in my dream this morning - I think. I've been reeling from it ever since.

I dreamed that you were back. We were living in the Indianapolis area - I was working at Methodist and you had a good restaurant management job. I had seen Jill at work that day. She was so happy to hear that you'd come back, and she invited us over for dinner later that week to meet her husband. We both came home from work, ate dinner, and went to bed. I was cuddled up next to you with my head on your left shoulder, like always. I started crying because it was so good to be able to have a conversation with you, since you weren't entubated anymore. I was trying to explain to you why I was crying, when I cried so hard that I woke myself up. I was in the right spot and position in the bed, but there were no arms around me. I opened my eyes, still crying, and saw the dog looking back at me as if to say, "Either move or stop crying, so I can go back to sleep."

Needless to say, it's not been an easy day.

I went to Panera after work - I'd found two thermometers in your briefcase, and a bunch of pens you were going to take in for the register people. It was probably not the easiest day emotionally to go there, but the only day logistically. And it was good to talk to other people that love and miss you. I'm glad to know that other people come to the cemetery to visit you.

I guess part of what surfaced in the dream was how much I missed real conversation with you the last 3 weeks of your life, when you couldn't talk. That must have been so hard for you! But you handled it gracefully and patiently. And we hadn't left anything unsaid, then or ever. We had no illusions of immortality.

My current calling plan doesn't reach you. But we'll be able to talk one day. I can't wait to hear your voice again.

Love you with all my heart,

PS - I abandoned my moratorium on PopTarts tonight. I hope you're happy. And I hope they make me feel better. :)

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