On Avoiding Existential Meditation

Dear John,

We had a night without storms so all of us slept well. I had a normal day at work and a normal evening - but nothing is normal since you're not here. Life still feels surreal. I don't think about it much; I just do what needs to be done without existential meditation. But I am aware that nothing feels real.

When I was visiting you at the cemetery today, I was thinking about how unpleasant it still is to see two dates under your name on the headstone. Every time I look at it I feel shocked to see it - your date of death is there, and that date is in the past. That doesn't seem real either, and most of the time I prefer to look at my side of the stone.

I think about the past a good bit, the present in so far as I do what needs to be done, and the future only for paying the bills. I don't think about myself and my life. There's no reason to - I am where I am, and there's nothing more to it than that.

So here I am, and this is as close to existential meditation as I've come in several months. And I think this is enough, thank you very much! For now, it's time to go back to doing what needs to be done. Soon, that will be getting ready for bed. Now, it's mediating between Eyssa and the dog. See what I've been driven to? Me, trying not to think. Unbelievable.

But I know I love you more than all the world put together. That feels real. That's all that feels real. I suppose it's enough.

Love you always,

Joan.