Sunday, August 26, 2012

Wanting Things to Want to Do

Dear John,
I'm firmly back into our habit of being the last to leave the church. Last week I got home at 3:15, today at 3:30. The services were longer than usual both weeks, but it's really because this is the big event of the week. It's so good to see and talk to everybody. They are all being so kind to me. And there is great excitement about my upcoming job interview.
Somebody posted something on Pinterest about doing the things you've always wanted to do. I thought about that for a while, and realized that I have to find new things to want to do because all the things that I wanted to do involved you. The list wasn't very long - spend our anniversary at Mackinac again, travel Route 66, go to San Francisco, maybe go to Russia someday. And I wanted to take you to the Meijer Sculpture Gardens. Our great goal during your hospitalization was to go to Holland, Michigan, for a few days. I will still go there without you, but just for a day trip. Staying in a hotel alone would be sad.
I have to find things that I want to do without you, which right now is nothing at all, including breathing. I need to work on this. I do want to re-start my career - besides supporting myself, it will give me something to throw myself into. And it will be something familiar and very much a part of me, which be comforting. Right now I can't come up with anything else. Please feel free to make suggestions. I really just want to hang in here until the Lord lets me die. That sound depressing, but it doesn't feel that way. So don't worry about me.
Not caring what I do, as long as it's with you,

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