Friday, September 7, 2012

The Problem isn't Dreaming, it's Waking Up

Dear John,
 
It was a yucky sort of day. I woke up feeling exhausted. So I figured, since I was going to feel yucky anyway, I might as well get my flu shot. I have felt pretty awful all day. It's been raining most of the evening, so the fibro is part of the picure. But now it's dark and cool and quiet, the windows are open, and the sound of rain is lovely. I should sleep well tonight.
 
Most of the television stations pre-empted regular programming tonight to show "Stand Up to Cancer." Heather posted on Facebook that she likes the concept but couldn't watch it without crying. She listed the people she's lost to cancer, including you and your brother. I told her that I agreed completely. I just couldn't watch it. It's way too close right now. Maybe next year I'll be able to check it out. But not tonight. For anesthesia, I went to Netflix and watched Burn Notice. It didn't really help, but it did get my mind on something else for a while.
 
I dreamed last night that you hadn't really died. Nobody would tell me where you'd been and what had happened, but you were back and completely healthy. I was so happy and we were having such a good time together. And then I woke up. I don't know which is worse: waking up from nightmares or from happy dreams. Maybe the terrible thing is just waking up - to my current reality, to the rest of my life without you. That's as unpleasant as it can get, no matter what kind of dreams I had.
 
It seems that the only way around my problem is to wake up and find you here with me. I don't think you could manage that, and I wouldn't ask you to. I know you're where you should be. I just ask that you keep praying for me. And like I asked you a few days before your death, please, please ask God to let me come soon! Please pray that I won't have to stay here for very long.
 
Loving you so, so much,
Joan.

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