Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Dreams & Nightmares

Dear John,
Jen is safe. I paid the IRS $7000 today, so they won't come after our first-born. She was relieved!
Unfortunately, so is the bank account. But I'm thankful we had the money to be able to pay it. Michael figured out what happened. When we cashed out the IRA in 2010, they were supposed to withhold taxes. It turns out that all they withheld was the early-disbursement penalty. They didn't withhold any taxes at all. But I suppose it's easier to do without the money now than it would have been in 2010, when you were off work with myocarditis. So it's probably for the best.
I've been looking at the finances, and I may not be able to keep the house. With expenses as they are now, I would need to work full-time for $16 an hour. The mortgage is low; it's the homeowner's insurance and the property taxes that are bad. And I'm finding out how hard it is to get any nursing job when you're over 50. Oh, how I miss the days of the nursing shortage! All you needed then was a license in good standing and a core temperature over 85, and you were hired. You always worked short-staffed, but at least you worked.
I'm feeling very discouraged - as if you couldn't tell that. I have about 6 months to keep working on the job issue before I'm broke, so it's not time to be as discouraged as I am. Knowing that isn't helping yet, but maybe it will in the morning. And hanging over all this is the fact that my doctor doesn't think I should work at all. My head knows that the Lord won't abandon me; the rest of me is struggling with that right now.
Oh, I have to tell you what I dreamed! Every night I dream that you come back, that you weren't really dead. (By the way, you never tell me where you've been - would you like to explain that? I think I do have a right to know.) In this dream, you were going through the finances and you were so irritated with me. You didn't like my filing system or the way I have things set up for electronic records. And you were so upset about it! I told you that, if you were going to disappear, this is what you deserved, and you could jolly well change it back if you wanted to or you could leave it in my hands. I woke up laughing. It was so funny, and so completely unlike you! Last night we were being chased by Nazis.
Please pray for me - to get a job and to get my head straight. The latter you have lots of practice at! I'm sorry for whining at you. You've been very patient with me.
Love you boatloads,

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