Friday, October 12, 2012

Jethro Worries About Your Sweat Suit

Dear John,
 
Oh, how I missed you last night! Lately the fibromyalgia has been giving me restless legs at night, and last night was a long one. I was awake at 3:30 and up at 7:00. No, wait - that means the night was a short one, doesn't it? To straighten myself out: the part of the night when I was awake was long; the part when I was asleep was short. Did that clear it up?
 
I always miss you the most at night. I'm still staying up way too late because I hate to go to bed without you. Before, when I had a bad night, you would always cuddle with me and make me feel better, or rub my back and put me to sleep. Now, when I'm awake and feeling bad, your side of the bed feels so cold and empty. The dog is usually there, and that really does help. But, as we've said before, Jethro isn't you. I like it when he snuggles with me, but at the same time it makes me more aware that I can't snuggle with you.
 
Well, enough of feeling sorry for myself! I'm grateful for the years that I did have you here, and grateful for all the memories, and even for that dip in the mattress that your shoulder made. And I'm grateful for Jethro - because it is good to not be alone, but also because it's good that he remembers you and grieves for you, too. He still goes in the closet and sticks his head into one of your shoes, sniffs, and wags his tail as hard as he can. I wore your sweat suit yesterday, and he let me know that he didn't approve. He likes it when I wear your pajamas, but the sweat suit appears to be off limits.

There's not much to tell about my day. I was busy at work, and got off too late to do grocery shopping without leaving the dog alone after dark. (I really do have to get my head around the earlier sunset.) So tomorrow I'll go to the bank and the grocery store. I'm holding off on mowing, to see if the grass keeps growing or is ready to stop. If it doesn't grow much more, I'll get the the back yard and leave the rest. It will be healther through the winter that way.

Television is wretched tonight, I'm tired from last night, and the dog is already asleep, so I may just go to bed early. It would do me good, I'm sure. I'll miss you again tonight. I'll put my hand in that dip in the mattress, and feel very close to you. I do love you so much. I'm surviing without you better than I thought I would - that's because of all the wonderful people who love both of us. Surviving would not be my first choice, however. I can't wait to join you. Pray for me, and come get me soon.

Love you with all my heart,
Joan.

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