Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Don McLean, The Band, & Judy Garland Do Christmas

Dear John,
This was malfunction day. I misplaced my brain early this morning and haven't located it yet. Now I'm sneezing and dripping and wondering if I'm getting a cold. Which is what may have happened to my brain - it sneezed and dripped away.
How do I describe my day? The best way is to say that if I hadn't had to work, I'd have spent it listening to Don McLean's American Pie album. It suits my mood, which tells you I've been completely miserable. I think the deposition on Friday is part of it - I'm dreading it and what may come of it, and so grateful to Allstate for having my back. But being interrogated by a hostile attorney will be difficult. I know that is  weighing on my mind.

And I'm beginning to realize how difficult Christmas will be. I've never put up a tree alone - Mama and I did it together, then you and I did it. (If you're doing anything with trees this year, do it with Mama - she's a whiz at it.) I'll probably enjoy the tree once it's up, but getting it there will be emotionally difficult. Christmas Eve I'll be going to church, but then I'll get home around 3 AM, go to bed, and get up to spend Christmas Day alone. I don't yet know how that will feel, but I'm predicting difficulties. Christmas as an adult has always been bitter-sweet, because there are so many memories of friends and family that are gone, traditions I grew up with that no one is left to remember but me. And now our 34 Christmases together - that only I am left to remember. It seems an unbearable weight of memory. (You know, weight - like when you pull into Nazareth feeling about half-past dead.) As I was leaving Mejer today I heard the first part of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, my mind carried it on using the original lyrics, and I cried half the way home.

So gather my family and yours, and all our friends, and know that "someday soon we all will be together if the Lord allows, so hang a shining star upon the highest bough, and have yourselves a merry little Cristmas now."

Love you always and forever,

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