Happy Birthday to Me

Dear John,

 

Happy birthday to me. I'm surprised by the number of birthday greetings I've gotten on Facebook. People keep wishing me many years, and I tell them they're too late - I've already had many years.

 

I had a quiet, domestic day - did laundry, dusted, cleaned the kitchen, dealt with mail, changed the decorations from fall to winter. I spent a couple of hours on the phone and got two bill mix-ups straightened out - that was a nice birthday present. What I wanted most was a quiet, domestic, boring, uneventful day. Those days haven't come often the last few years. So I enjoyed this one.

 

I've been thinking about how this birthday makes me feel, and the first word that comes to mind is "weary." I suppose that's understandable. The second word is "relieved." It seems to me that this birthday is less about celebrating a year achieved than it it about marking a year survived. 2011 and 2012 happened, and I'm still standing. And I feel like I'm standing looking around in total confusion, wondering what on earth has happened to me.

 

So I've survived the year and had a birthday - what do I do now? Do I stay in my quiet little life, love my friends and family, do what good I can? Or do I stretch my wings and express and use parts of myself that haven't gotten any freedom for a while? This is a little like the restlessess of the Spring Attacks I used to have in college. One year I went so totally crazy that I bought blue and green nail polish - and actually wore it. (This was in 1977, way before such things were done.) If you have any advice on what I should do with the rest of my life, please share it with me. My life before college graduation was about education; my life since then has been about loving and caring for you. I don't want the rest of it to be about nothing more than waiting to die. (Even though 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!)

 

Always know that you made me glad to have been born. Please know that I am surviving. And you might as well know that I have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. So I need your prayers, if you can get the crew together again up there to pray for me.

 

Love you more every day,

Joan.