Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

Dear John,
 
Happy birthday to me. I'm surprised by the number of birthday greetings I've gotten on Facebook. People keep wishing me many years, and I tell them they're too late - I've already had many years.
 
I had a quiet, domestic day - did laundry, dusted, cleaned the kitchen, dealt with mail, changed the decorations from fall to winter. I spent a couple of hours on the phone and got two bill mix-ups straightened out - that was a nice birthday present. What I wanted most was a quiet, domestic, boring, uneventful day. Those days haven't come often the last few years. So I enjoyed this one.
 
I've been thinking about how this birthday makes me feel, and the first word that comes to mind is "weary." I suppose that's understandable. The second word is "relieved." It seems to me that this birthday is less about celebrating a year achieved than it it about marking a year survived. 2011 and 2012 happened, and I'm still standing. And I feel like I'm standing looking around in total confusion, wondering what on earth has happened to me.
 
So I've survived the year and had a birthday - what do I do now? Do I stay in my quiet little life, love my friends and family, do what good I can? Or do I stretch my wings and express and use parts of myself that haven't gotten any freedom for a while? This is a little like the restlessess of the Spring Attacks I used to have in college. One year I went so totally crazy that I bought blue and green nail polish - and actually wore it. (This was in 1977, way before such things were done.) If you have any advice on what I should do with the rest of my life, please share it with me. My life before college graduation was about education; my life since then has been about loving and caring for you. I don't want the rest of it to be about nothing more than waiting to die. (Even though 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!)
 
Always know that you made me glad to have been born. Please know that I am surviving. And you might as well know that I have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. So I need your prayers, if you can get the crew together again up there to pray for me.
 
Love you more every day,
Joan. 

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