Monday, November 19, 2012

Insecurity Attack

Dear John,
I've descended into a total insecurity attach. Today I was second-guessing all of our medical decisions this past year, and wondering if I'd made a mistake that cost you your life. And that's rot. As I've told everybody, you died of the massive radiation you got when we were 19. It had been causing problems for years, but they had been fixable problems. Finally the damage became unfixable and everything fell apart at once. You were dealing with radiation damage, scarring, and calcification to your trachea, larynx, vocal cords, cricopharyngeal muscles, esophagus, epiglottis, pleura, mediastinum, myocardium, myocardial conductive tissue, mitral valve, right coronary artery, aotric root, lung tissue, and the Lord only knows what else. The lung cancer - another consequence of the radiation - was in some ways the least of your problems. Everything between your chin and your waist needed replacing all at one time. Your fluid status was so brittle that you managed it at home only because you had a critical care nurse there. Let's face it - if you'd lived, you would have had a steadily decreasing quality of life. And while I would have enjoyed any time I could have with you, you would not have enjoyed it. Becoming steadily less active and less independent would have been miserable for you. Death ended your suffering, and prevented a lot more suffering that was in your future.
So whatever is wrong with the back of my head? I think it really is an insecurity attack, and I do have reason for that. The first thing is the deposition on November 30th for the lawsuit against me. I'll be so glad to have it over with. Second is the general financial insecurity. I've been watching the hospital jobs on the web - they haven't been hiring for any of them. I wouldn't be surprised if they are waiting until after the holidays to fill the less-urgent ones. I also have changes coming here, with Jen and Elyssa moving. It will be the first time in my whole life that I've lived alone, and it will be an adjustment and a challenge. And it is the right thing to do, and wonderful for my girls. And so it will be for me as well. 
Yep - it's insecurity. It's coming out in second-guessing and doubting myself. Not logical, but fairly normal. And all the legal wrangling over the medical bills and your date of death is just more insecurity.
Oh, I got some good news today! I got a call back from Panera Benefits. They got your date of death fixed (they're one of the places I faxed a copy of the death certificate to) and reinstated my COBRA. I wonder if that's the reason they haven't paid for my office visits with Joe - the letters about that bill are getting a bit testy in tone. I'll call Anthem tomorrow and see where those bills are, and let Memorial know what's up. There are a few things like that to follow up with tomorrow. But the news from Panera Benefits is key to all of it. They were very nice about it, and very sorry about the complications.
It will all be done someday. I need some of your calm unflappableness right now. Seeing your family will help. And just the act of traveling could make me feel good, too. What would make me feel better right now is some sleep. I'm sitting at Jen's apartment tomorrow waiting for NIPSCO. There's no heat and no furniture, so we'll see how this goes. I'm going to start taking things over and unpacking, so I should be nice and busy.
I love you great bunches. If you can, please do show up in my dreams tonight to reassure me just a little! If you can, I'd love it. I need it right now. But if you can't, don't worry about it. You married just what you wanted - an independent, strong-minded, smart-mouthed woman. I'll be okay.
Adore you,

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