Sunday, December 2, 2012

I'm Being Silly and Illogical - Sorry!

Dear John,
 
The heavy things are up from the basement and the rooms are slowly getting put together. And I've surprised myself. I'm feeling very sad that these rooms are ending up a way that you never saw them. Jen's room has always been a second bedroom - we got a new bed, but it stayed a bedroom. Now it's an office, and I feel sad, and a bit guilty, about changing it from the way we always had it when you were here. I feel like somehow I'm being unfaithful to you.
 
I know - it's silly and illogical, two things I try not to be. But I didn't expect to feel this way. Maybe I've expected the world to stop, to stay the way it was the day you died. But the world keeps changing. And so does my life, and so do I. And that's okay. Everything that is living is also changing. Maybe change like this just underlines the fact the you're not coming back. But I know you'd like what I've done with the room - if you were still here, we'd have done what I just did. But we'd have done it together, and instead of having memories of you and the room the way it was, I'd have memories of you helping me change it, and we'd make new memories of it as it is now.  
 
So the problem seems to be having something in my life that has no memories of you associated with it. And that is something that I have to face, deal with, and get over. If I don't, I'll always be living in the past and not the present. I am alive. I do have to live.
 
I love you so much. I never wanted to be here without you. This is unexpected, but is just another part of the journey.
 
Hope I'll see you soon,
Joan.

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