Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Mayan Time Zones & Chunks of the Past

Dear John,
Evidently the Mayans were wrong. The world has not ended. But there's been great excitement about the calendar hitting 12/12/12.
I've been thinking about something.  You know Ron is in EMT training. Last night he was talking about how much he loves it, and wondering if loving some of it wasn't right or healthy or socially appropriate or something. I said that it probably wasn't some of those things, but it told me that he's in the right field. You can't do a job like that unless you love it, and loving it shows up in some forms for which the general public is not prepared. That's why EMTs/Paramedics/Critical Care & ER Nurses/Police/Fire people tend to hang out together. We are disturbing to normal people. As I've said before, you do have to be a bit sick to do those jobs; the jobs need to be done; therefore, the world needs a certain percentage of sick people.

I was talking to Jen about that tonight, and she said that, terrible as it was, if the 9/11 disaster in New York had to happen, she had always been glad that she was a part of it. I said, or course - it's a huge part of the woman she had become and it made her part of a pivotal event in history. It's on a much smaller scale, but if the April 1974 tornadoes had to happen, I'm glad I was there, glad I answered the emergency call and went out that night. It changed me, and I've been able to know that I did and gave what I could during a terrible disaster.

So I told Jen about that day ten or fifteen years ago, when you were saying that all of your health problems happened because of those few days when you were nineteen that you got those 4 rads. You were musing over the question of what life would have been like if you hadn't had that cancer. Remember what I said? I told you I couldn't imagine, because those days and all that they led to were so much a part of our lives, that I couldn't imagine who we'd be without them, and maybe I wouldn't like us at all. Much more has come of that radiation since we had that conversation, so I feel the same way but so much stronger. It made both of us who we are.

Jen and I concluded that, if you like who you are at all, you can't go back into your past and pull out a chunk of it. All of your past is part of you - you can't pick and choose. If you could remove a piece of your past, everything from that point on would change. And it wouldn't change just for you, but for everybody else that was touched by what you want to remove, and who has been touched by  you since. The ripples are endless. And the moral of that is (said the Duchess): If you are happy with yourself or your life, you have to gratefully embrace all of your past, because it is all part of you, your present, and your future.

The corollary is that I must embrace your death and my widowhood, for making me whoever I'm turning into. I already see myself changing in major ways, and most of them are very good. Logically, I am forced to conclude that one day I will look back at these two years and say, "Hard as they were, I wouldn't give them away because this is who they turned me into." Staggering thought.

And since the Mayans were wrong, I do have to deal with that future. Unless the world ends in the next ninety minutes. Wait - what time zone are the Mayans on?

I'm sure I've given you a headache, if such things are possible in Heaven. I'll take my philosophical musings off to bed and give you some peace and quiet. Love you with all my heart, and all my very odd brain!

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