Sunday, December 23, 2012

Meltdowns & Myocardium

Dear John,
I had a bit of a meltdown this morning - sorry. I woke up, got up, and started crying. I had been dreaming about you again, but I can't remember any of the dream. Besides sticking around until the end of my dreams, you should probably be sure that I remember them. I had to stay home from church, which seems crazy for a dream that I can't even remember. But it did leave it's emotional fallout behind. And I'm learning that there are a lot of things about grief that sound crazy.
I'm so thankful for all the people around me. Do you realize that nobody has pressured me at all, told me that I was nuts or weak, or told me how I should be feeling? The only thing people have told me is that I'm being too hard on myself. (How many years did you spend telling me that?) Either I have very wise friends, or I'm so formidable that nobody has the nerve to pressure me. I'm betting on the wisdom of my friends.
It tuned out to be a very good day in spite of my morning meltdown. Ron and Tamara texted me and asked if they could bring subs and come over after church. As if they needed to ask! It did me a world of good and Jethro had a terrific time. They always know what I need and when I need it. And I was able to explain the autorhythmicity of myocardial cells to Ron, so I even felt useful.
Last night I started a new board on Pinterest called "On Widowhood." Becky and I have commented and shared from it, and I met up with another widow out there who pinned some things from it. The electronic support network is much more important to me now than I would have expected. Just to touch and share pins with other widows means a lot. I'll leave you with something I pinned last night. It's more eloquent than I am, to tell you how I feel.
You may have guessed - love you with all my heart, love you forever,

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