Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Pain & Interspecies Progress

Dear John,
It's 2013. Bah, humbug. Last night I figured out why this turn of the year is so hard for me. It's not logical, but I can be as illogical as anybody else when I put my mind to it. It's because you were part of 2012, so that date was okay. But you will never be here for any of 2013, and somehow that hurts. It's another layer of finality. But the good thing is that it usually takes me a few months to remember to write the new year, so 2012 will hang on in my mistakes. Last night I did cry myself to sleep, and the animals amazed me. I got in bed and turned off the light while the animals were still romping around the house. I was crying, and they came in and jumped up on the bed. Jethro lay down against my chest and Hunter lay on my neck, and they both licked me until I cried myself out. What an amazing gift animals are! Then they both tried to eat my used kleenex.
We've had a good interspecies day here. I trimmed Hunter's toenails without any problem; he didn't mind a bit. He and Jethro still chase each other around the house. But when they're both on the couch, Jethro licks him and he purrs and loves it. I told June that the cat will likely never get a hairball, but Jethro probably will. And the big news is that this afternoon Hunter lay down in my lap to take a nap and Jethro came up and lay down with him, and both slept in my lap for over an hour. They seemed quite happy cuddled up together. I'll see how they do tomorrow, since I'm going back to work after the long weekend.
I hope the emotional fallout decreases as I get back into my normal routine. The holidays have been horrible, as bad as any time since your death. Maybe the grieving process was put on hold while the girls were here. I should probably expect it to be rough for a while. There's no distraction now - no padding, so to speak - nothing to keep me from feeling what's there to be felt. And what I feel is just solid, unremitting pain. I look at the grief process chart and it makes no sense to me. I've never felt any denial, anger, bargaining, nothing but pain. But I suppose we did go through all that 38 years ago. So all that's left to feel is pain.
I'm the only mammal awake now, so I will wander off to bed. Say a special God-father prayer for Ron tonight, since today is his nameday. I know you won't forget his birthday, since he was born the day you turned 20.
Love you with all my heart,

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