Friday, January 11, 2013

Table Manners, Radio, & Mileage

Dear John,
 
Don't be surprised if I get up and run off - the cat discovered the top of the dining room table about 15 minutes ago, and I'm training him to stay off of it. So I'm following him around with the water sprayer. And every time I spray him, Jethro runs to his rescue and licks the water off. I'm outnumbered.
 
Today was a milestone of sorts: I listened to the car radio. It wasn't for long, but the longest that I have since the day your cancer was diagnosed. I turned the radio on in the car because I was feeling sleepy and Blind Willie McTell wasn't helping. And it wasn't bad because I had the oldies stations on - that music goes back way before I met you, so there aren't the painful associations I have with most of the music piped into stores. Memories of the 1960s are okay.
 
And speaking of that, I had a strange sort of shock today. I was listening to something that came out in the spring of 1969, and it occurred to that my life is an unbroken continuum from that spring to today. Obviously true, but it shook me up. 1969 seems so far away, and who I was in 1969 seems so different, too. Maybe it's like Indiana Jones said - it's not the years, it's the mileage. I haven't changed in any fundamental way. I'm just older. In 1969 I had my life ahead of me, and was full of hope and optimism. Now I have more yesterdays than tomorrows, and know struggle and pain. I'll need to ponder this.
 
But for now, I've listened to oldies and once again separated the animals. I'm not who I was, but that's okay. I wish you were here - to help with the animals as well as for me - but if you were here the dog wouldn't have gotten so depressed that he needed the cat, so it's all moot anyway. The cat is in no way a substitute for you. for either of us. But he's a good addition to the family.
 
Oh, you would have loved this last night. I turned out the light and lay down while the animals were having their evening rampage. Then Jethro came and lay down on your side of the bed with his head on your pillow. After a little while, Hunter came in and lay down between us, with his head on the pillow. I wished somebody could have taken a picture. We all went to sleep like that. We'll all pile up in the bed again tonight, and two of us will wish you were here.
 
Love you with all my heart, whoever I am,
Joan.

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