Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Ideal Pacemaker

Dear John,
 
The winter storm is here - so far it's been freezing rain with a few short intervals of snow. We're supposed to get 4-6 inches of snow tonight. So I may or may not get the cat to the vet for his last shots tomorrow afternoon. I'm curious to know how much he weighs now. He's growing so fast.
 
A few days ago I had Robert Johnson on in the car; he still reminds me of all those days I drove to Mishawaka to see you. My first thought was that I wished I was on my way to see you, wished I could still visit you. Then I thought about it, and I have to be glad you're not still going through all of that. It was a good rehab place, but you were just too complicated for them. Managing your fluid status required either an ICU or me, which is the same thing. We never did get them convinced that you had to have Lasix before getting a unit of blood. It was hard on both of us to be always trying to convince somebody of something, and I know you never really felt safe. And it was hard on them, too.
 
You should have gotten this model . . .
What it all boils down to is that it was just time for you to go home. The radiation damage was too great, and everything seemed to unravel at the same time. I had hoped the pacemaker would keep things together, but then the V tach came along, and the dominoes started falling.We'd been able to patch things up for so many years, but it just reached the point where there was too much coming apart. You'd done so well in spite of all that patching, that I'm still finding people who had no idea you'd ever been sick before the summer of 2011. And that's really amazing.
 
I wouldn't want you to go through any more of that. So now I'm going through this, but it's no different from what most women live through. Except that I lost the world's only perfect man. But at least I had him! And I give thanks every day for the years we had together. I decided before we married that I'd rather have a week with you than a century with anybody else. It was a good call.
 
Love you, adore you, worship the ground you walk on,
Joan.

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