Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Sound of One Fibromite Venting

Dear John,
 
This day is finally over! I've spent it paying for doing too much yesterday. I need to vent about this fibromyalgia thing.
 
Yesterday I got the car jumped, met with Michael, worked eight hours, and went to church. And enjoyed all of it. So today I've been completely exhausted, hurt all over, itched all over, and gotten nothing accomplished. I was even too tired to knit. The big accomplishment of the day was fixing myself two meals and feeding the animals. I had things I'd planned to do - wanted to do, looked forward to, including going to church tonight - and couldn't.
 
It's so frustrating. I don't mind the pain nearly as much as I do the exhaustion. Most of the time I can keep my mind off the pain by being busy. That doesn't work with this kind of fatigue. Today felt like mono. I kept falling asleep, and when I was awake it was a fight to stay that way. And I can't explain it in a way that people understand. "Tired" for me doesn't mean what it does for normal people; it means being physically incapacitated. There is never a moment that I couldn't go to sleep; that's not what I call tired - that's my normal.
 
You understood, though - you always did, even before the fibro diagnosis. You knew me well enough to know that I didn't want to feel this way, wasn't into it for the secondary gains, and wasn't a wimp or a hypochondriac. And I felt like I had purpose when you were here - the most important thing I ever did for you was to love you, and I could always do that. Now I not only can't work at a job that makes enough money to live on, but I can't contribute enough to make it worth while for me to take up space and resources. This disease has rendered me worthless. I used to have a valuable career and be of value at church and in the community. Fibro has taken all of that away. Lots of mornings I can't even stay awake to pray, even standing. It's pathetic.
 
Do I still have value for you? I know that I do, but do I have to be here for it? This is one of those rare days that I don't feel certain that I have any value to God. My head knows it as abstract fact, but the rest of me isn't buying it. I know He knows what He's doing with me, but it's a huge leap of faith to say it tonight.
 
Well, that's enough whining for one evening. I'm sorry to vent to you - I always have been, but you've never minded. You always said that you wanted to know what I thought and felt. Now you probably know before I tell you. But it does me lots of good to tell you, and I know you would never mind me talking to you. I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight, from discouragement, frustration, and fear of the future. At least I had a fun dream last night - you and I were fighting a group that was cloning then torturing women, and I had Ziva's fighting skills. I woke up three times during it, and was able each time to go back to sleep and pick up where I left off. Maybe we can do something fun again tonight!
 
Thanks for listening to me and loving me. Love you more than life,
Joan.

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