Friday, March 22, 2013

Holding Hearts Instead of Hands

Dear John,
 
There's good news. I got a call from Whitney at Panera Benefits today, and Anthem has re-instated my coverage as beginning on May 1, 2012, and continuing without interruption. They are reviewing all the claims that have been denied. I'll have to call them about the bills that I've had to pay in the last month, and they will reimburse me directly. Now I can see doctors, get my teeth cleaned, and get that mammogram that was due two years ago. At least until the Date of Death Zombie rises again and we start all of this over. It's quite a weight off of my mind.
I was still exhausted and feeling bad today. I talked to Jen on the phone tonight, and realized that a lot of it is emotional. I told her I'm afraid I'm being normal again, just having another bad stretch in the grieving process. And I know why - we're coming up to the 1-year anniversary. So endurance and patience are coming a little harder right now.
 
Jen Gibbs-slapped me as needed today. She has shouldered that part of your role, along with the supremely-important function of bringing me Raisinets on holidays. Kathy has taken on your job of reminding me to have realistic expectations of myself. And I learned a limit this week - I can't work eight hours and go straight to church for three hours. It's taking me the greater part of a week to recover from that. I hate having limits like that, but there are plenty of fibromites who are much more limited than I am. And no good comes from defying limits.
 
I found this on Pinterest tonight, and just had to share it with you. We had lots of this series in our early years. I still have the one in the living room that says "Love is holding hands after many years of marriage." You bought that one for me before we were married, and long before my parents started scolding me for holding hands with you after the wedding. We always loved holding hands, and we assumed we would do it for the rest of our lives. And we did. And I'm so glad.
 
Now we hold hearts, since we can no longer hold hands. That will have to do us for a while. But we so became one flesh, that holding hearts is very real and powerful. And it will be enough - because it has to be.
 
Keep my heart safe in your hands tonight,
Joan.

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