I've been watching April 13th get closer and closer, and have been wondering how it will feel to reach the one-year mark - a whole year without you. It's on a Saturday this year so I don't have to work. But it turns out that I do have something to do. I just got the invitation in the mail for Lacey's bridal shower on April 13th. And it struck me as a statement that life goes on. Young people are still falling in love, marrying, starting families. We were like them once, and one day they will be like us. Life goes on, the world keeps on turning.
I don't know how that day will feel. But now I know that I won't be able to stay home and mope, which will probably be good for me. Without the shower, I'd probably stay here curled up in a fetal position eating pop tarts. Instead, I will go celebrate life and love and hope. (Then I'll come home and hit the pop tarts.)
Something else hit me a while back. Since you died on April 13th, and last year April13th was Holy Friday, every year will bring two days for me to deal with. I'll be like the people here who lost family members in the Palm Sunday tornadoes - they mark the date and the liturgical day. It will be a bit more natural for me than for them, since Holy Friday is a day of mourning. Liturgically, we'll have the Royal Hours in the morning and the Lamentations service in the evening. I'm predicting that it will be either cathartic or harrowing - I'll let you know which.
But enough of the future. Today I brought home a chewbone for Jethro and a big stuffed mouse for Hunter. Hunter has been playing with the chewbone and Jethro wants to chew on the mouse. There are complications with even the clearest of intentions. And I do believe Jethro has told Hunter about you - when I have the closet door open, the cat loves to curl up in your bedroom slippers. He seems to feel safe and comforted by them, and so do I. I just wish I could smell what the animals do. I loved your smell, and I can't smell it anymore. But I can fall asleep with my hand in the dip your shoulder made in the mattress. And I can dream about you. Last night we were chasing flesh-eating zombies - let's try to do something fun and relaxing tonight, okay?
Love you so very, very much,