Monday, April 22, 2013

Worrying About Worrying

Dear John,
Today I saw Sonya for my monthly massage therapy, and I was a mess. She could have spent hours on me. I haven't been in that bad shape since my last big flare about three years ago. Which concerns me, since I'm trying to figure out whether this is a flare or if my thyroid has tanked. Of course, it could be both at once. There's no rule against that.
Sunday I went to confession, and told Father that I've been struggling with fear since this stretch of extreme exhaustion started about six weeks ago. I could handle that when you were here and could take care of a lot of things for me. Doing it when I'm on my own is very scary to think about, especially during lawn-mowing season. Father understood, and reminded me that God is not the God of the past, or of the future, but is the I Am, the present, all time rolled together, the Creator of time and therefore over and external to it. Since confession, I'm still exhausted but am content with it.
Tomorrow I go to see Barb. And no, I'm not sick, this is a regular 6-month check-up. I'm going to talk to her about all of this because it does affect my asthma. When I'm extremely tired, I wheeze - probably from catecholamine depletion. And believe me, my catecholamines are severely depleted! We'll see what she thinks.
All I'm really doing is waiting to see what God has in mind for me. Fibromites have very little control over their bodies, and that gives us very little control over anything at all. He will do what is best for me. He always has. So pray for me as I worry about trying not to worry!
Love you hugely,

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