If the Present is a Gift, Where Do I Go to Return It?

Dear John,

 

I had a good, busy, long day - worked almost 9 1/2 hours. I'm getting a huge mailing ready for tomorrow. And we finally had a night without storms! It was a short night, but I got through it with no animals on my head. Tonight will be clear and 38 - even I had to close the house and turn the heat on, and I'm in my winter pajamas.

 

Today I was thinking again about my sense of time. I know it's passing, and with breathtaking speed. But it still seems to pass without touching me at all. I continue to live in some kind of eternal present. The past seems very distant, and the future doesn't seem to exist at all. I plan ahead for things and know they're coming, but I have no real vision or concept of the future. It's a blank wall.

 

All of this may be a form of self-protection: I don't let myself see the future because I'm afraid of it. It's also possible that I'm finally experiencing things the way they are. The past is truly far away, gone, unreachable, real in memory but not a thing I can touch or participate in. And the future hasn't happened yet, so there really isn't anything there. All that we have is the present, so we might as well keep our heads here. Maybe going wandering off into the past or future is the self-protection.

 

Today is enough for today. I don't need to bite off any more than that - it would be too much to chew on. I can be content here. And I know the future is in much better hands than mine. I just need to be obedient one day at a time. It sounds a little like a 12-step program.

 

More metaphysical meditation - just what you wanted at bedtime! I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, if you want to visit me tonight. Of course, you're welcome any time.

 

Love you always,

Joan.