Friday, June 7, 2013

W30, 1983, & the Ongoing Eclipse

Dear John,
I was grocery shopping after work tonight - actually, at the time I was in the garden section getting oil for the mower - and heard Total Eclipse of the Heart. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round, I get tired of listening to the sound of my tears, I get nervous that the best of all the years have gone by, I get a little bit terrified. I can't see the look in your eyes, but I can remember it. And that is good.

I always liked the song. But when it came out, I wasn't thinking about widowhood. It was 1983. Those years from 1980-1984 were very happy ones, and probably the most care-free years we had. We had bought our first house and were restoring it, we lived near friends and family, I was in the cath lab and loved it, you had your first restaurant management job, the finances were stable. And we had no idea that scar tissue was building in all the parts of your body that had gotten radiation. We had those few years of not knowing there was a closet-full of shoes waiting to drop. All of our years were good, but those four years were special. Those were the only years when we didn't know what was coming, the only years I wasn't afraid.

Now you're gone, and I love to remember 1983. (That was 30 years ago - can you believe it?) And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever. And if you'll only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever. Once upon a time I was falling in love; now I'm only falling apart. Once upon a time there was light in my life; now there's only love in the dark. There is nothing more I can say. It really is a total eclipse of the heart. But forever will start for me, when I'm allowed to join you. Hurry the day!

Love you forever, with all my heart,

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