Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Gloom, Despair, & Agony on Me

Dear John,
Gloom, despair, and agony on me, deep dark depression, excessive misery.
You know it's going to be a particularly erudite letter when I start off by quoting Hee Haw.
I'm miserable - skin and muscle pain, TMJ, grief, emotional turmoil, discouragement, and tonight I'm unbearably irritable and impatient. (Just ask the dog, poor creature!) And I have no idea what it's all about. I feel premenstrual, but thank goodness I haven't had to deal with that for years! I feel helpless, hopeless, and unemployed in Greenland. And I have no idea why.
Feeling a little trapped, are we?
It may be accumulated fibromyalgia frustration. I am feeling a bit at the end of my rope, trying to take care of myself and support myself with this nasty chronic illness in my way. I could manage one of the two - either take care of myself, or support myself - but not both. You were the knot at the end of my rope, and I miss having you to hang onto.
I think I'm scared, too. I've had two nights of back-to-back nursing nightmares, and I've always done that when I'm feeling insecure. I'll be okay in November of 2015, when I turn 60 and can file for your Social Security. Even if I can piece it together until then, the idea of pushing myself like this for two more years is daunting. 
I know what you would say, and you're right. I need to get my focus off of the future and take things one step at a time, to be thankful for the Lord's provision today and trust that it will be there tomorrow, too. I'm still not handling the future very well, am I? I suppose that's normal. It's no fun being normal. I'm not used to it.
I think I'll make some toast, get a glass of milk big enough for the cat and me to share, and go to bed. Maybe I'll take the laptop with me and play on Pinterest for a while. I'm off tomorrow, so I can weed and vacuum and be a grownup then. For tonight, I'll have toast and milk and go to bed. I just wish you were here - I could use a cuddle. Please pray that I get my head straightened out. I'm sure you have lots of practice asking for that!
Love you lots and lots,

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