Landslide: When the Center is Gone

Dear John,

 

Summer came back. I closed the house and turned on the air conditioning at 6:00 this morning. Don't I usually sleep until 6:30, you ask? Usually. But only on days that I've gone to bed by then.

 

Last night was a strange one. When I first went to bed I couldn't sleep because of fibro pain, mostly in my hands and arms. When I was still awake at 2:00, I took some pain meds. It turns out that Tylenol #3 does me about as much good now as it did 45 years ago, which is basically none at all. When I was still awake and hurting at 5:00, I took the stronger stuff. It was 7:30 before I felt good enough to go to sleep. So I slept from 7:30 to 9:00, then got up and went to work.

 

I had a pretty busy day, which was good because it kept me awake. And I did well on just 1 1/2 hours sleep - at least, I think I did. I came home at 5:30 and had dinner, and I've been falling asleep ever since. The cat curled up in my lap while the dog was outside, and I scratched his neck until we both fell asleep. I've worn the animals out, too. Poor little critters - we all need an early bedtime tonight.

 

I had the radio on today and heard Fleetwood Mac's Landslide. I haven't heard it in a long time, but the line jumped out at me: I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you. And that's what I've tried to say to you before. Sometimes it's about changing, like turning the spare bedroom into an office. But sometimes it's about reconstructing, about trying to find a center now that the center is gone. And that's where issues of purpose and what I want to be when I grow up come in. Before you go to bed tonight, go on YouTube and listen to the song, and know that my life is still built around you. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Love you, adore you, worship the ground you walk on,

Joan.