What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Dear John,

 

It's late, and it's been a long day but a good one. I went in late today because of Kathy's schedule, and got home a little before 9:00 this evening. I'm more than ready for bed. But I've always talked to you at bedtime. Even if you were away from home, we talked on the phone. When you didn't get good voice reception, we texted. This is the next step - I type to you at bedtime. But only until you get Skype.

 

Egypt is quieter now, but I'm not. NBC News had an article about it, saying that the Muslim Brotherhood had called for a Day of Rage. The article cited the number dead, all kinds of details about all kinds of things, but never once mentioned that 52 Orthodox Christian churches had been stormed and burned. Not one word about Egyptian Christians. Nothing. It's like it never happened. I'm not done with Facebook tonight. I won't be quiet. I'm angry. And I should be.

 

I do have some good news. In the course of running errands downtown this morning, I had a talk with Mark. Since we have so much equity in the land, he doesn't see any problem with refinancing and getting me set up to be fine until I can get your Social Security. I feel much better about the future. It's good to deal with our own small-town bank.

 

And speaking of the future, I guess this is even better news. Kathy and I were talking today about retirement and what we'd like to do, and I realized that I was thinking about the future in a way that was positive, with plans and dreams. I know what I want to do - that was a shock to me. I've reached this point so gradually that I didn't even realize it until I heard myself talking.

 

It's nothing dramatic - I want to volunteer a couple of half-days a week at the hospital, and spend the rest of my time doing things I don't have time for now. I want have more time to write and knit, and learn to spin and dye my own yarn. That's it. But it's a wonderful dream, and not out of reach. There's some income in knitting, and even more in spinning and dyeing yarn. With a schedule like that, I should have more energy for church and for the people that I love.

 

I felt a twinge of guilt when I realize that I was making plans and looking forward to the future. But it doesn't mean that I love you any less, or wish any less that either you were here or I was there. It's just more healing. I'm being normal again. And I know this is what you want for me, so it is good.

 

It's been a significant day, hasn't it? And now it's way past our bedtime. It's a clear, cool night with the moon a little over half-full. Hunter is chasing a fly and Jethro is chasing Hunter. And some poor creature must have been chasing a skunk, and not far away. The neighborhood has been fumigated. But I've smelled worse. It's quiet except for the crickets, and all the other houses on the street are dark. Ours will be soon.

 

Love you with all my heart,

Joan.