Who I Sleep With & Why

Dear John,

 

I feel much better today, like I told you I would. I was just tired and hurting yesterday. All is well now.

 

I find it interesting, and a bit puzzling, that my sleeping arrangements shock people. First, everybody expected me to get a new bed. For some reason, they all think that it would be too painful for me to sleep alone in our bed. I find it comforting, though. We picked it out together and loved it, it's part of our shared history, it reminds me of you, and there's still that dip in the mattress that your shoulder made. And I love all of that. I wouldn't like sleeping in a bed that you never slept in. I seem to be in the minority among widows. And that doesn't bother me at all.

 

The majority of folks are shocked that I sleep with both of the animals. Jethro always slept on his own bed. But when we got back from Indy and you were in the hospital here, he was so worried that you'd gone to work one day and never came back - even after I took your shoes and things in so he knew you were out there somewhere - that he paced all night and kept waiting at the door for you. So I had him come up on the bed and sleep with me. I don't know if it was more comforting to him or me, but it made things so much easier on both of us. He felt more secure, and I felt less alone. I knew he'd be so happy when you came home that he'd be glad to yield his spot to his alpha dog.

 

But you didn't come home, so he kept sleeping with me. You know I still tend to wake up in the middle of the night and reach out to touch you. And it's so much better to touch warm dog fur than cold, empty bed. When I touch him, I immediately remember and know why you're not there. When he's at the foot of the bed and I touch empty space, I always wonder where you are for a bit - I look to see if the bathroom light is on, and wonder where you went. It takes me longer to remember, and that hurts.

 

When we got the cat, there was no way I was going to try to teach him to sleep in a cat bed while the dog and I slept in mine. And he'd just been rescued from the dumpster and was all of three months old, poor little thing. So I brought him to bed and he slept cuddled up to my chest for a couple of months. Now he sleeps somewhere on or around me unless it's a hot night, then he sleeps on the floor under the bed.

 

I never know when I wake up who is going to be where. So I have trained myself to not move until I locate everybody. This morning I woke up five minutes before the alarm was set to go off, with the dog's back jammed up against my back and the cat on my side. Everybody seems to enjoy the first-thing-in-the-morning cuddle. I much preferred that cuddle when it was the two of us. But this is the best I can do without you, so I cuddle with the critters - it's a good way to start the day.

 

Just why all of this is so shocking is a mystery to me. I believe the people who say it's all nobody's business are right. I see nothing alarming here. I'm not spoiling the animals; they are spoiling me. And your little family sleeps well at night. Unless there are thunder storms, and that's another issue. We love you and miss you. But we keep each other warm at night.

Wish you were here,
Joan.