Monday, September 16, 2013

There's No Relief in Waking

Dear John,
 
Enough is enough. Do I have to get you grounded? I had nightmares all night. We were in various places and circumstances, but no matter how hard I tried, you died at the end of every dream. I got up early because I was afraid to sleep any more.
 
I have no idea why I'm doing this, or why so many nights in a row. You didn't remember your dreams like I do, and for the first time I envy you that. Mine are usually good free entertainment. Now, I'm getting to where I delay going to sleep at night because I'm afraid of dreaming.
 
I must still be processing all that happened. My nightmares are always about medical emergencies, things that can't be treated (except that one about you being chased by tax accountants, but that was a long time ago). And in every one of them I realize that I've already watched you die once, and there's the anguish of seeing it a second time. In all of them I'm second-guessing everything that happened, trying to find a way that I could have prevented it. Maybe that's it - maybe some part of me is still wondering if I could have done something to change the course of things. I know there was nothing. The heart damage from the radiation was so severe it's a wonder you lived as long and well as you did. But sometimes I've even wondered if God took you to punish me for some unconfessed sin. Father would have a fit. But that thought is something I need to take to confession and talk to him about. And maybe that will help.
 
In the meantime, please pray for me. And please ask Father George to pray for me, too. He knows how vividly I dream. And if this kind of thing keeps up, I will talk to St. Michael about grounding you until you can play nice.
 
Love you more than all the world,
Joan.

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