Things That Won't Happen

Dear John,

 

Today was a chronic fatigue recovery day. I took a nap after breakfast and another after lunch, and will probably go to bed early tonight. I needed it and feel better for it, but days like this can be so depressing! There's no productivity, no human contact, just the frustration of being too exhausted to use my day off either to get things done or have fun. And these are the days that I miss you most.

 

Thank you for working so hard on my dreams. These last two nights have been much better. Last night I dreamed that the lawsuit over the accident - the one that settled a couple of months ago - hadn't settled and had come to trial. I was having a good time because, in the dream as in reality, I didn't care at all what happened. I was seated next to the man that brought the suit, and after a few minutes we became friends.

 

Thursday night I dreamed that you and I had gone camping with your mother and Jim and Irene. You weren't especially enjoying the camping part of it, but we were having fun with your family. Early one morning I was telling you how much you would have enjoyed the trip to Florida for your mother's 90th birthday, and you said you were sorry to miss it, but "That was when I was dead, wasn't it?" And I said yes, and that I was glad that was over.

 

You did well - it was a happy dream, and you didn't die again at the end of it. That's what we all want, so spread the word! It made me happy all day, until I got Song for a Winter's Night stuck on my mind and cried myself to sleep.

 

But that seems to be normal for me now - alternating between happiness and heartbreak. I'm getting better at it. I rarely get motion sickness now. I enjoyed the dream, but I know you won't really come back. I have to come to you. And I can't wait. But in the meantime, it's good to feel your hug now and them.

 

Adore you,

Joan.