Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Baby Steps

Dear John,
 
Sun today, no more snow, not much wind, temperature stayed above zero. It must be spring. I expect to have no trouble getting to work tomorrow. The animals will probably be glad to finally have a day alone.
 
I've felt better today - that means less nausea and no vomiting. I'm still more emotional than I was, but I think Cymbalta had my emotions damped down too much. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Jen says she's seeing the old me for the first time in a while, too. I have been paying such a high price for a bit less pain - I know now that it wasn't worth it. Miserable as these weeks have been, I'm grateful that insurance forced me to come off without letting me replace it with another drug.
 
Baby Steps
I spent most of the day getting my Lia Sophia orders in - new line items, regular stock items, discontinued items, supplies, everything I need for the new catalogue season. Thank you for teaching me to spend money. I know it sounds funny, but you really did have to do that, to let me know that it was okay to spend money. You were so patient with me through all the years it took me to learn that. I still have to talk it over with you in my head first, but I'm getting better at it. Baby steps.
I'm finally moving away from the television. I never watched it much until you died, then I needed the company of other human voices. Television has kept me company, and has also been anesthesia when I needed it. Lately I've been listening to music more often, and that is another baby step in the right direction.

All of my Pandora stations are blues or folk - I'm sure that doesn't surprise you. It's music that is real, that honors the fullness of human experience and the experience of being human in a way that respects and honors all of life. There will always be times I want Steppenwolf. But I'm an old earth-mother hippie, and blues and folk will always make up the bottom of my food pyramid.
 
Now I need to turn the music off and go to bed. It's still sad to go to bed without you. But I'm trying to do it at a reasonable hour - more baby steps. Putting it off doesn't change the fact that you're not here; it just makes it harder to get up in the morning. Come and cuddle with me tonight - I know you'd like the music.
 
Love you so, so much,
Joan.

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