Friday, January 24, 2014

It's My Climate & I'll Cry if I Want To

Dear John,
 
More snow. Morning temperature of -8. High winds and a wind chill of -25. Drifts across the driveway. White-out part of the way home. County roads drifted shut. Schools closed. All in all, just an average day.
 
I went to see you again today. I was leaving the Goshen post office again, but this time there was nothing special on the radio. The car just went to the cemetery on its own. I was a little bit teary while I was there - after I found the roads, negotiated them successfully, avoided the snow drifts, and managed not to get stuck. As I was leaving, I heard Gerry and the Pacemakers singing Don't let the Sun Catch You Crying. Since I'm here downwind of the lake, in the Seasonal Affective Disorder capitol of the world, that means that I can cry all the time if I want to. There is only a slim chance of the sun catching any of us doing anything at all. Then I heard Judy's Turn to Cry, and had a good laugh. You have to be glad Johnny came to his senses and that love triangle ended happily.
 
Harvest Moon - I'm still in love with you
Something dawned on me today. People keep telling me, "You'll fall in love again." Today I realized that the underlying assumption is that I'm not in love now. But I am - I'm just as much in love with you as I've ever been. And the Dread Pirate Wesley told us, death can't stop true love, it can only inconvenience it for a bit. Why do people assume that my love for you ended when your earthly life did? That makes no sense. Do they fall out of love when their husband is in another room or out of town? Why on earth would I love you any less than I did 21 months ago, or 21 years? As is not unusual, I am baffled by the assumptions of normal people. I remember once, a couple of months after your death, trying to explain to somebody that I still loved you. They thought it was creepy. Neil Young said it in Harvest Moon - I'm still in love with you. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
 
I've done something wonderful on Pandora tonight. I created a Carole King station, and I may never go to bed again. So far it's been songs from Tapestry, James Taylor, and Landslide. I could sit here and weep softly forever, or at least until you come back for me. If I could only work this life out my way, I'd rather spend it being close to you. But I'm still in love, and that is good, and almost adequate.
 
Love you always and forever,
Joan.

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