Thursday, March 6, 2014

Between Effort & Surrender

Dear John,
I had a long, busy day at work - nine hours today. I had business and bills to take care of when I got home. Now I'm done, Jethro is asleep on the floor, Abby asleep beside me, Hunter somewhere, and the Eagles on Pandora. It's almost time for bed. But I haven't gone to sleep without talking to you for almost forty years, so here I am.
Money is tight and I'm getting a bit anxious about it - you've seen me do that before. My  last three paychecks have been half of what they usually are. I know this is why I have a savings account, but I hate to take from it and not be able to put back. But God is the God of widows and orphans, and He will take care of me.
I'm also feeling a bit overwhelmed looking at the next few days. Tomorrow I'll go straight from work to church and get home late. Saturday I have church and choir practice in the evening, a short night because of the time change, and a big Sunday with all the Goshen churches joining us for the Liturgy. There's food to cook for Sunday and church-cleaning on Saturday morning. So I need your help - what of these things can I realistically do without sending myself into a fibro flare? I don't want that, but I don't want to shirk responsibilities, either. You've always been my reality check when these things came along. So tell me what I should do.
It strikes me that I'm getting stressed over things that I wouldn't have worried about a year ago. I'm not as dead inside as I was. I'm able to get stressed now, and that's probably a good sign. It sounds funny to say that it's healthy to worry about things, but I think it's true. I'm less passive than I was a year ago. I'm also less emotionally distanced from things. I'm getting involved in more than just the absolute necessities - I'm back in the choir at church and am helping with the chanting for the extra services, making commitments and taking on responsibilities. It feels odd, but it feels good. And I know that it's healthy. Father said last night that it was a kind of resurrection for me, and I think he's right. I seem to be plugging back into life.
It's a big change and a lot to get used to. I have more things to balance now, which is why I need you to tell me what to this weekend. I don't want to stretch my wings so far that I sprain something. Thank you for letting me know that it's okay to stretch them. You told me so many times that, if you died first, you wanted me to live and enjoy life and, if I wanted to, to fall in love again. I decidedly do not want to fall in love, and I'm not sure about enjoying life. But sometimes I think that I may continue to live. And I'm doing it with your help and support, and I thank you for that. And I still need you to tell me what to do this weekend; that's the priority here. And don't stop praying for me.
Living in spite of myself,

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