Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My Official Commentary on Life

Dear John,
 
It's been a good day off. I spent a couple of hours on the phone, and finally got the 1099-R I need for taxes. Taxact.com still won't let me enter more than one 1099, and I have four. So Jen is going to try it on her computer. It may be a browser problem. I'm so thankful to have Jen as my tax cavalry, especially since you refuse to Skype with me about it. Shame on you.
 
I realized last night that I haven't filled you in on the last couple of months of Cymbalta withdrawal. If the first two months were overly-exciting, the last two have been drudgery. The nausea and vomiting have finally gone away. I'm sleeping again, thanks to melatonin, and I only have twitching and itching when I stay up too late. My vision has cleared up, the hot flashes have stopped, dizziness is gone, brain zaps have stopped, and my short-term memory has come back. It's really nice - a lot of thing that I thought were caused by the fibro turned out to have been side effects of the medication for the fibro. I have more pain, but I also have more energy and I feel better over-all. It's a good trade-off.
 
The first two months were dominated by the physical symptoms; now I'm dealing with the emotional issues. I get down easier, which isn't surprising since Cymbalta is also an antidepressant. What's interesting is that I'm getting irritable so easily. I get frustrated with the smallest things and I'm much more sensitive to criticism. It's like being premenstrual all the time. I didn't think I'd have to do that anymore! I was managing it by keeping busy until this flare came along. I'm struggling with it now, but I know what it is and that it's a good struggle.
 
And I will feel better when it stops snowing. (I'm reminded of Camp Granada - Counselors say we'll have some fun when it stops raining. Actually, I'd be thrilled to see rain! I woke up this morning to another inch of snow that fell during the night.) The point is that this is a natural process and it will end. Even if it does take six months, which seems to be the average experience for Cymbalta withdrawal, I'm two-thirds of the way there. I'm saving money by being off of three prescription drugs. And I know that I'm healthier for it, even when it doesn't feel that way.
 
So this is my commentary on life at this moment. Aren't you glad you don't have to put up with me right now? I know that you're saying no, that you love being with me no matter what mood I'm in. And I know that's true. I suppose I'm just trying to make myself feel better about all of this. Doing this withdrawal less than two years into widowhood wouldn't have been my choice. But at least it wasn't a year ago - that would have been worse. And it's not like I picked any of this anyway. In a few months the withdrawal will be over and done, and I'll never have to do that again. Widowhood, however, will still be with me. But I should be better-equipped emotionally to handle it. See, not all of my emotional problems are your fault! Does that relieve your mind?
 
Adore you,
Joan.

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