Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Prayer of St. Ephrem & Going Around Corners

Dear John,
I've had a nice, busy Saturday. The animals woke me up at 7 and I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got an early start. I went to the Post Office and the bank, then to the Goshen Farmers Market. I got homemade soap, deodorant, and a cat toy from The Soapy Gnome, and cheese and potatoes from the organic farmers. I hadn't been there for a while because of the weather. It was good to be back.
Prayer of St. Ephrem
And speaking of being back, I went to church tonight for Great Vespers. I really seem to have turned the corner about going to church. For two years it's been so painful to go without you, and now, all of a sudden, that's over and I really want to go. And just in time for Lent, too - tomorrow night we'll have Forgiveness Vespers. We'll have the usual first week of Lent - church nearly every day - then extra services every Wednesday and Friday until we get to Holy Week and we all just move in and don't bother to go home at all.
I don't know what propelled me around this corner, but I'm thankful for the change. It's been a dilemma - if I went to church, it was terribly painful; if I didn't go, I felt empty all week. It seems that I just needed more time.
I'm glad to be reminded that I am making progress, because it's been a painful week. I've cried every day. Having an old friend widowed this week has hit me harder than I would have expected. It still doesn't take much to re-open the wounds, and I can't always predict what will and won't do it. As I've said before, it's illogical to expect yourself to be logical all the time.
Tomorrow evening we'll all go back to church. We'll pray the Prayer of St. Ephrem for the first of many, many times during Lent, Father will change into his dark Lenten vestments, and The Great Fast will begin. We'll all ask forgiveness of each other and pray together, and our journey together toward the cross will have begun. It's a holy time, this season of joyful sadness. I'll be able to be there for all of it this year and that will be good for my soul. Please pray for me as we all start the journey tomorrow.
Love you so, so much,

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