Sunday, April 27, 2014

How We had a Party at Your Grave & I Got Illogical

Dear John,
It's Thomas Sunday, the first Sunday after Pascha, so it was the day for all Orthodox Christian graves to be blessed. After church I got a Wendyburger and went to the cemetery to have lunch with you and wait for Father to get there. Brian and Bekah and Cody came out with their lunch, too, so I got the blanket out of the trunk and we had a picnic party. Father came and blessed your grave and Kevin's, and it was good. It's things like this that make me so glad to be Orthodox.
Today has been a bit hard emotionally. It's still this thing of starting a new job tomorrow. It's not the job - I'm happy about it and looking forward to it, and not particularly nervous about my first day. I'm just being illogical. I'm starting a new life tomorrow, where I'm responsible for all my income, for health insurance and retirement, and all those grown-up things, all by myself. And that is good and necessary. But it is a step further away from my life with you. It makes it even more real that you're not coming back - that you're really gone and I'll be a widow for the rest of my life, that I'm alone and on my own now.
I've known that for two years. But this change in my life makes it more real somehow. As we've noted previously, I can be just as illogical as anybody else when I put my mind to it. This country called Widowhood is a landscape of the heart, not the head. That makes it rather alien to me, since I'm such a complete head person. But it's not logical to expect oneself to be logical all the time. If I've learned anything since your death, it's to take my emotions as they come and not critique them, to have no expectations of my heart.
So I don't know what to expect emotionally tomorrow. I may feel strong and empowered and relieved, or I may come home and curl up in a fetal position with my grief. Most likely, I'll write pages and pages to you telling you all about every little bit of my day, then I'll be up until 2 AM editing it because I love you and don't want to put you through having to hear all of that. We'll see. I don't have any expectations of my heart. I know better. It will do whatever it wants to do. As we have also noted previously, I've never done this before.
Oh, I had to show you this. Jill sent me this picture, saying she had a red velvet cupcake at Methodist in honor of her favorite patient and spouse. That made me so happy. I don't know if you remember - when I was staying with her when we were all turned out of our hotels for the Super Bowl, I brought red velvet cupcakes back from Au Bon Pain a few times for us, since we both loved them. Now they always make me think of her. It seems that they remind her of me, too. She's a bright spot in your last three months.
It's time to feed the animals - Jethro is clamoring to come in from outside. I should probably feed myself, too. I'll be going to bed early tonight. I'll be getting up earlier these two weeks that I'm in LaGrange for training. Pray for me tomorrow!
Love you even more than cupcakes,

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