Saturday, May 24, 2014

More Metaphysics, with a Dutch Rennert Postscript

Dear John,
 
I don't know what to say tonight. I had a good day and I'm completely miserable.
 
After work I went to South Bend, and used part of the gift card Jen got me to buy some work clothes for summer. It was a beautiful, perfect day. And I'm completely miserable.
 
On the way home I came through the intersection where I had the accident almost three years ago. I'm sure you remember that the first thing I thought when we were told about your biopsy results in 2011 was, "I wish I'd died in the accident." And my second thought was that you didn't need to deal with cancer after being recently widowed, so it was good that I'd survived. And, since my survival is a certain medical impossibility, I know it was what God wanted.
 
Well, today I went through the intersection again and thought, "I wish I'd died in the accident." I went crawling around in the back of my head and I realized that, no matter what could be changed about my life, I'd still feel that way without you. If I had plenty of money and was thin and didn't have to work and could travel wherever I wanted and do anything I wanted to do, I'd still wish I'd died in the accident.
 
It seems that all the world together can't take your place. All the world together doesn't appeal to me at all. And I'm not alone in that. Some of the older widows in town have come into the bank this week, and when they see me they ask how I am and we talk. They all say that they keep on keeping on, but have no interest or pleasure in life. It's a matter of dogged determination, forced cheerfulness, existence without meaning.
 
And that is what stretches out in front of me - the possibility of decades of this. I can do what I have to, but you can see that is seems a bit daunting. And I'm sad to realize how many of the people around me have lived this way for years. At least some of us have found each other. And that helps.
 
So I suppose the upshot of all this is: Could you come and get me soon? Very soon? Right now? Tonight or tomorrow? Or maybe after I get back from Danica's graduation - I really shouldn't miss that. Soon, at any rate? There is nothing to keep me here.
 
Wanting to be with you,
Joan.

PS - I have to share a giggle with you. There's a softball game going on down beside the sale barn, and the umpire on the plate sounds just like Dutch Rennert calling balls and strikes. You'd love it. Good night now - sleep good!

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