Wednesday, June 11, 2014

A Puzzle, A Nuisance, & A Baby Duck

Dear John,
 
I had a good day at work. We had a call-in, so I worked the drive-up until noon, then did testing until 4:30, then worked the lobby until 5 - a nice, varied day. After work I went to Goshen and did the grocery shopping. I got home, changed, and settled down with dinner a little before 7:00. The animals were relieved to see me.
 
I've been feeling sad and wistful tonight. I came home County Road 38 instead of 40 today, so I came through the intersection where I had the accident in 2011. And every time I drive through it, I think again how nice it would be to have died that day. I certainly should have - I know my survival is medically impossible. It is no accident that I am alive. And I am truly glad that I was alive for those last months of your life. I'd hate for you to have had to go through all that right after having been widowed. It's just that my continued survival is both a puzzle and a nuisance. I am so ready to join you.
 
But none of that is my call, is it? And I had a good day at work, and my animals love me, and Irene and Heather are looking forward to seeing me this weekend, and Jen would probably miss me, too, though my life insurance might me more useful to her than I am. I remember when I was in seminary, hearing Marlene say that some things are God's business and we shouldn't stick our noses in them. My survival seems to be one of those things. I don't have to understand it - there won't be a quiz.
 
And since I'm feeling sad and wistful, here's something to cheer me up. I found it on Pinterest and put it on my "Odd Couples" board. I thought you'd like it. It really does make me feel much better. It reminds me that love and goodness are everywhere; you just have to pay attention. Since you're not here for me to look at every day, I have to search a little farther for love and goodness. I'm just like Mama - animals always do it for me. A kitten and a baby duck make me much happier.
 
Missing you,
Joan.

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