Tuesday, June 24, 2014

On Existing Stubbornly

Dear John,
 
I had a good day at work. I'm off tomorrow so I'll get to play with my new lawnmower. And I got my yearly exam with Joe scheduled for next week. So life is good. And I feel so sad. I guess life just can't be very good without you.
 
What's missing in my life - besides you - is meaning. Everything feels so empty. I do all  the necessary stuff - go to work, pay bills, buy groceries, work in the yard, take care of the house, go to church, keep in touch with my friends - and none of it matters in the slightest.
 
I seem to be stuck here, don't I? I had hoped to be over this by now. The fact that I'm not makes me wonder if this is a permanent state. I've certainly known widows who spent decades waiting to die and wondering why they didn't. I'd prefer not to just exist until I die.
 
I know you wanted me to be happy; I know you still want that. I'm certainly open to the concept. But I seem to have no clue how to get there from here. Everything in my life is fine except that you're not here - it's just that you matter so much that, in comparison, everything else is completely inconsequential. Maybe meaning will come with time. Maybe you can get everybody organized to pray for me, and for all the widows that are having the same struggle. At least I have the consolation of knowing that I'm being normal again.
 
The one thing that cheers me is how much the animals love me. I don't know why - maybe because they don't have anybody else, either. I'm their human  so they love me and need me as much as I need them. They're here waiting for me when I get home from work, and they pile up in my lap with great excitement on the mornings when they realize that I'm not getting ready for work. I rescued them, and they rescued me right back. I'm so thankful for my three furbabies.
 
I'm sorry - I didn't mean to whine to you tonight. But I'm determined to be honest with you about how I feel. And this is how I feel tonight. I'm hoping this works out with time. If it doesn't, I will need to be stubborn. As you may have noticed, I'm very good at that.
 
Existing stubbornly,
Joan.

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