Friday, July 4, 2014

Your Beleaguered Wife & Dog

Dear John,
Happy July Fourth. We've had a quiet - metaphorically, anyway - day here. I slept in, took a nap, and haven't gone out of the house. Like last Sunday, I knew I couldn't handle crowds. And I didn't feel like going to the festivities alone. Jethro has spent most of the day in my lap because of all the noise.
Last night I had trouble sleeping, so I was reading what I wrote to you in early 2013 and the severity of my current depression jumped out at me. I was hurting and grieving in 2013, but there was an underlying hope and contentment that are completely absent now. I got out the Beck Depression Inventory and ranked solidly in the most severe level of depression.
I should have seen it. I was telling you recently that I can burst into tears at any moment - that alone should have been enough. You know I had some depression after going off of Cymbalta. I think now that it never went away; instead, it got more severe. And severe depression can be harder to recognize. The other thing that should have been a red flag is that I'm not enjoying knitting now - for me, that's serious.
I'm thankful that I had anxiety with it because that's what drove me to see the doctor. I'm on medicine now and waiting the week or two it takes for SSRIs to work. While I wait, I'm doing only what I have to do. I'm not pushing myself at all. If I get to work, pay the bills, do laundry, and keep the house from being condemned, I'll be doing well. And one day the clouds will lift and I'll feel like myself again.
I'm going to get all of us to bed early tonight because I'm working tomorrow, but we won't be staying there all night. I'm sure we'll be up when the fireworks start, since they're just a block away. I had Jethro's Thunder Shirt on him last night and he did much better with the late-night fireworks. He lay down between my head and the headboard and slept through most of them. So I do have hope of getting some sleep tonight. Please pray for your beleaguered wife and dog.
Love you so much,

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