Conversing With My Sanity

Dear John,

 

I'm having mixed, confused feelings. So help me straighten out my head.

 

Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about the things I like most about my life now, and I realized that I wouldn't have any of them if you were still alive. That is troubling to me. But think about it - the cats, my job, wouldn't be here if you were. The same is true about how good I'm feeling and how much better the fibro is. I would never have gone off of processed food and started eating organic if you were alive.

 

I've been wondering what to make of this. Of course, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have you back. (Except that I'd keep the cats because you'd love them too.) I guess these things are gifts, helping me cope with your absence. I have to work full time, so I have this job. To be able to work full time, the fibro has to be better. And the cats pulled Jethro out of his depression after you died.

 

So it's alright that I'm enjoying things that I wouldn't have if you were here, because if you were here I wouldn't need them. It's a bit like loving your prosthesis after losing a limb. You'd much rather have the limb; but if you have to live without it, it's great to have a prosthesis.

 

Okay. That's sorted out. Thank you - you've always helped me to think things through. I don't have to feel guilty about any of this. It appears that I'm being normal again. Who'd'a thunk it? I suppose my sanity won't talk to me tonight. That's probably a good thing.

 

It's my normal bedtime, so I'd better take my normal self off to bed before I come up with something else to puzzle over. But if I do, you'll be the first to know!

 

Love you great huge bunches,

Joan.