Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A Pox Upon Lots of People!

Dear John,
 
I did hit the wall last night. I didn't even make it to halftime. And I slept like a log, except for the one time I woke up to an odd sensation on my left side. It turned out that Hunter and Maggie had chosen that spot for their wrestling match.
 
Today I was thinking about my Gentleman Caller's assumption that I was lonely and in need of rescuing - an idea that I disabused him of when I ended his attempt at a relationship. I've realized that there are two distinct types of loneliness. There is general loneliness, when you don't have friends and relationships and a support network. And there is specific loneliness, when you are lonely for one particular person.
 
I have specific loneliness. I have friends and family and lots of contact with people, and all of that is good. I am only lonely for you. And there is no fixing that. "Getting out" doesn't help that kind of loneliness. In fact, it can underline and augment it. Only time can ease specific loneliness. And nobody can tell you how much time you should need. Specific loneliness is a normal part of grieving. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It's not a pathology. It is a part of loss.
 
I am only lonely for you. A pox upon men who think they can replace you! A pox upon people who try to should me! It is completely normal for me to feel this way, darn it! I love you, I miss you, and anybody who disapproves of that can go do anatomically impossible things to themselves.
 
So there.
 
Here I am being normal again. There is a measure of consolation in that. The true consolation lies in knowing that love is eternal and our separation is temporary, not the other way around.
 
Love you forever and ever and ever,
Joan.

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